WILD GEESE
In the town where I live, there is a colony of resident, wild geese. According to local legend, they used to fly overhead, going wherever it is that wild geese go. Sometimes, a few of them would touch down here for cheeseburgers, or whatever. Some well-meaning citizens started giving them free food, and the result is that now we have geese that were born here, well, hatched here, and have never seen the big city at all.
I was out by the river one day, watching these geese, and thinking, not, what can my town do for me, but, what can I do for my town. I’m sure you do the same.
Maybe we could somehow publicize these geese, and make our town the Resident Wild Geese Capitol of the World. Every bird-watcher would have to come here once in a lifetime. Then I remembered something we saw once in Nassau, in the Bahamas. They have a zoo there, and in that zoo, they do a flamingo show for the tourists. The man waves his hands and the flamingos run off to the right. He waves his hands again and they run off to the left. That’s the show. And the tourists flock in to see it.
Maybe I could train these geese to do something like that. I have no experience in bird training but I didn’t let that stop me. I went home and built a training apparatus. It has three stations, all foot-operated. There is a middle part, where I stand, for collecting the geese in the center. When I press the pedal, food is released and the geese all come. Then I wave one hand and release food on either the left or the right. What I didn’t know was, if you want the geese to move to their right, do you wave your right hand or your left hand. I didn’t know if these geese took aerobics.
I found that, if I released the food on my right, and waved my right hand, the geese would move toward the food. If I released the food on my right and waved my left hand, the geese would move toward the food. I finally realized that there was a click in the release mechanism that they could hear. I had to take the apparatus home and redesign it so that it was completely silent.
It was slow, but gradually the geese began to watch my hands to see which side would have food so they could beat the stampede. I was beginning to think about a show for the tourists.
But there was a problem. When I would come with my training gear, the geese weren’t always there. Sometimes, they were a few hundred yards away and I would carry my gear over to them and rehearse. But sometimes, they were across the river and sometimes I couldn’t find them at all. I didn’t see how we could schedule a regular show if we couldn’t tell people for sure where it would be.
I was afraid this little problem was going to ruin the whole project. But then something strange happened. I had noticed that even though the main flock was unpredictable, there were often three or four geese near the place where I usually parked. One day, I was a little later than usual, and, when I drove up, these geese were standing around, looking at their wrist watches.
So, I rehearsed with this small group. They seemed eager to perform. I soon discovered I didn’t need to put out any food. These geese were stage-struck! They wanted to perform. The next day, more came, and then more, until there were about a dozen thespian geese. They were a director’s dream. They were never late. They were always ready to rehearse. And you didn’t have to feed them. And they could learn new tricks, steps, formations. They learned to recognize my arm motion for each formation I wanted, such as, both hands up for a V formation – geese are good at that one. They could even do something like a grand right and left, as in high school graduation. I was thinking, this is better than any dumb flamingo.
It was time to do a real show, with audience. I didn’t want to rub any town feathers, so I decided the next step would be to invite the Chamber of Commerce to a special preview. To be sure everything was legal and authorized, I went to the Chief of Police and requested a permit to do an outdoor show.
“How many people coming to this show?”
“Oh, maybe ten, fifteen.”
“No problem. I can do a permit for you right now. Got any minors?”
“Miners?”
“If you have any minors in your show, you’ll need signed permissions.”
I explained that the performers were not minors, but geese.
“You doin’ a bird show?”
“Yes.”
“OK, still no problem. But you’ll need a release from Animal Control before I can sign this.”
So I went to the Animal Control office and told them about the show, and explained that birds would be involved, and asked for a release to take to the Chief of Police so I could get a permit to do an outdoor show for the Chamber of Commerce.
“Well, I suppose it’s all right. How you going to protect the audience?
“Protect them from what?”
“From the birds. You’ll need a screen the birds can’t fly over or around.”
“Wait a minute. I’m not sure you understand…..”
“And I’ll need to see a Certificate of Good Health for every bird in your show.”
“How can I possibly get that?”
“Easy. Just take birds to a Vet and get them checked.”
“But I can’t just pick them up and carry them to a Vet. They’re not my birds.”
“What did you just say?”
“Well, I guess they’re mine as much as they’re anybody’s.”
“You doin’ a show with wild birds?”
“Well, they’re not really wild.”
“Do they come and go as they please?”
“Well, they don’t come and they don’t go but they do pretty much as they please.”
“OK, you bring me a clearance from Fish and Wildlife. Then we can start on this other stuff you need.”
So I went to the director of the Natural Resources Department and explained the whole concept carefully so there would be no misunderstanding. He seemed very interested.
“Oh, so you’re the one that’s been harassing our geese.”
“Not harassing. Just a little training so we can do a show and attract some tourists. All I need now is a clearance to take to Animal Control so I can get a release to take to the Chief of Police so I can get a permit to do a special showing for the Chamber of Commerce.”
“Absolutely not. That is contrary to the modern principles of wildlife management.”
So, I left without a release, and since then, my training gear has been confiscated. The Game Warden says that if he sees me talking to, or gesturing at, the geese, he’ll arrest me. The geese that want this show to go on have found out where I live and they’re waiting for me every morning on my lawn and my neighbor’s lawn. The geese that do not want this show have formed a union and have started a lawsuit, claiming fowl play. Actor’s Equity is planning a strike.
So, you see, there are still a few small details to be worked out. But I’m confident we’ll get them all taken care of; the show will go on. You won’t want to miss it: THE AMAZING, THE STUPENDOUS, THE ONE AND ONLY RESIDENT TRAINED WILD GEESE CAPITOL OF THE WORLD. Y'all come now, y'hear?
In the town where I live, there is a colony of resident, wild geese. According to local legend, they used to fly overhead, going wherever it is that wild geese go. Sometimes, a few of them would touch down here for cheeseburgers, or whatever. Some well-meaning citizens started giving them free food, and the result is that now we have geese that were born here, well, hatched here, and have never seen the big city at all.
I was out by the river one day, watching these geese, and thinking, not, what can my town do for me, but, what can I do for my town. I’m sure you do the same.
Maybe we could somehow publicize these geese, and make our town the Resident Wild Geese Capitol of the World. Every bird-watcher would have to come here once in a lifetime. Then I remembered something we saw once in Nassau, in the Bahamas. They have a zoo there, and in that zoo, they do a flamingo show for the tourists. The man waves his hands and the flamingos run off to the right. He waves his hands again and they run off to the left. That’s the show. And the tourists flock in to see it.
Maybe I could train these geese to do something like that. I have no experience in bird training but I didn’t let that stop me. I went home and built a training apparatus. It has three stations, all foot-operated. There is a middle part, where I stand, for collecting the geese in the center. When I press the pedal, food is released and the geese all come. Then I wave one hand and release food on either the left or the right. What I didn’t know was, if you want the geese to move to their right, do you wave your right hand or your left hand. I didn’t know if these geese took aerobics.
I found that, if I released the food on my right, and waved my right hand, the geese would move toward the food. If I released the food on my right and waved my left hand, the geese would move toward the food. I finally realized that there was a click in the release mechanism that they could hear. I had to take the apparatus home and redesign it so that it was completely silent.
It was slow, but gradually the geese began to watch my hands to see which side would have food so they could beat the stampede. I was beginning to think about a show for the tourists.
But there was a problem. When I would come with my training gear, the geese weren’t always there. Sometimes, they were a few hundred yards away and I would carry my gear over to them and rehearse. But sometimes, they were across the river and sometimes I couldn’t find them at all. I didn’t see how we could schedule a regular show if we couldn’t tell people for sure where it would be.
I was afraid this little problem was going to ruin the whole project. But then something strange happened. I had noticed that even though the main flock was unpredictable, there were often three or four geese near the place where I usually parked. One day, I was a little later than usual, and, when I drove up, these geese were standing around, looking at their wrist watches.
So, I rehearsed with this small group. They seemed eager to perform. I soon discovered I didn’t need to put out any food. These geese were stage-struck! They wanted to perform. The next day, more came, and then more, until there were about a dozen thespian geese. They were a director’s dream. They were never late. They were always ready to rehearse. And you didn’t have to feed them. And they could learn new tricks, steps, formations. They learned to recognize my arm motion for each formation I wanted, such as, both hands up for a V formation – geese are good at that one. They could even do something like a grand right and left, as in high school graduation. I was thinking, this is better than any dumb flamingo.
It was time to do a real show, with audience. I didn’t want to rub any town feathers, so I decided the next step would be to invite the Chamber of Commerce to a special preview. To be sure everything was legal and authorized, I went to the Chief of Police and requested a permit to do an outdoor show.
“How many people coming to this show?”
“Oh, maybe ten, fifteen.”
“No problem. I can do a permit for you right now. Got any minors?”
“Miners?”
“If you have any minors in your show, you’ll need signed permissions.”
I explained that the performers were not minors, but geese.
“You doin’ a bird show?”
“Yes.”
“OK, still no problem. But you’ll need a release from Animal Control before I can sign this.”
So I went to the Animal Control office and told them about the show, and explained that birds would be involved, and asked for a release to take to the Chief of Police so I could get a permit to do an outdoor show for the Chamber of Commerce.
“Well, I suppose it’s all right. How you going to protect the audience?
“Protect them from what?”
“From the birds. You’ll need a screen the birds can’t fly over or around.”
“Wait a minute. I’m not sure you understand…..”
“And I’ll need to see a Certificate of Good Health for every bird in your show.”
“How can I possibly get that?”
“Easy. Just take birds to a Vet and get them checked.”
“But I can’t just pick them up and carry them to a Vet. They’re not my birds.”
“What did you just say?”
“Well, I guess they’re mine as much as they’re anybody’s.”
“You doin’ a show with wild birds?”
“Well, they’re not really wild.”
“Do they come and go as they please?”
“Well, they don’t come and they don’t go but they do pretty much as they please.”
“OK, you bring me a clearance from Fish and Wildlife. Then we can start on this other stuff you need.”
So I went to the director of the Natural Resources Department and explained the whole concept carefully so there would be no misunderstanding. He seemed very interested.
“Oh, so you’re the one that’s been harassing our geese.”
“Not harassing. Just a little training so we can do a show and attract some tourists. All I need now is a clearance to take to Animal Control so I can get a release to take to the Chief of Police so I can get a permit to do a special showing for the Chamber of Commerce.”
“Absolutely not. That is contrary to the modern principles of wildlife management.”
So, I left without a release, and since then, my training gear has been confiscated. The Game Warden says that if he sees me talking to, or gesturing at, the geese, he’ll arrest me. The geese that want this show to go on have found out where I live and they’re waiting for me every morning on my lawn and my neighbor’s lawn. The geese that do not want this show have formed a union and have started a lawsuit, claiming fowl play. Actor’s Equity is planning a strike.
So, you see, there are still a few small details to be worked out. But I’m confident we’ll get them all taken care of; the show will go on. You won’t want to miss it: THE AMAZING, THE STUPENDOUS, THE ONE AND ONLY RESIDENT TRAINED WILD GEESE CAPITOL OF THE WORLD. Y'all come now, y'hear?